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The Truth About Marriage

Hallelujah, I’ve seen the light. Thanks to conservative talk shows, I’ve finally concluded that gays should never be allowed to marry.

It’s comforting to know that there are voices of reason to guide me in this topsy-turvy world. Rush and Glen, you’ve taught me so much. In fact, as a result of subjecting myself to marathon sessions of Fox News I’m now convinced that ALL committed, long-term relationships should be outlawed. Judged by conservative standards, marriage is clearly anti-American, anti-capitalist, and anti-democracy.

A marriage typically consists of two people living in one house and sharing a single bank account. I honestly can’t envision a more thoroughly un-American arrangement. Is this or is this not the God-fearing U.S. of A, where the pooling of assets and resources in communal, egalitarian fashion is considered a slippery slope toward socialism?

Honest, hard-working Americans agree that the free market should be the sole determiner of a person’s lifestyle and finances, yet marriage often forces a wealthy person to share his/her income with a far less successful spouse. Is there a more deplorable example of wealth redistribution? Why should the proletariat get to ride the coattails of the upper class? In true capitalist fashion, the primary breadwinner should get the bedroom while the secondary earner is consigned to the garage until he/she gets a better job. You want mattress privileges, loser? Maybe you shouldn’t have settled for a Bachelor’s degree in social work.

The communist underpinnings of marriage aren’t limited to income discrepancy. In the event that one partner is laid off from work, marriage potentially acts as the ultimate form of welfare. We Americans expect to succeed or fail on our own merit, not be bailed out by the charity of the taxpayer or some wealthy spouse. And health care? If you think Obamacare was a socialist plot, just wait until you see how many people are benefiting from a joint insurance policy. It’s sickening. And not just the adults in the family…buy your own Ritalin, freeloading brats.

Marriage doesn’t simply undermine capitalism, it runs counter to the whole concept of democratic society. By definition, democracy requires at least three participants. A democracy of two is unsustainable. If I want fish and you want chicken, who casts the deciding vote? Polygamy would be a much more democratic arrangement.

I’m not saying that married people are evil…I’m saying that every time someone gets married, the terrorists win.
So to anyone considering entering into the subversive, socialist, democracy-eroding pact that is marriage: we’re on to you. No longer will you be allowed to chip away at the very fabric of capitalist society with your unholy, un-American matrimony.

Down with marriage. God bless the USA.