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How to prank your day away: a guide to April Fools

National Fools day has come again! Just kidding. April fools! (about the second sentence). What a fool you are to have believed me on that one for even a second. On April Fools Day it’s time to bring together the fools in your life and thank them with a feast. Just kidding. Again. That’s that other holiday about turkeys, ya turkey.

As you can already tell, I am an expert on pranks and holiday fools jokes. So now I am going to share with you everything I know about The Day of Pranks: A Fool’s Worst Nightmare Day. After I tell you what to do, your friends will be so pranked they will open their eyes so wide they will have to get corrective surgery and they will run out of money and might lose their home or something.

Step one is to choose one doofus (doophus?) to pull a good prank on. One of my favorite goofs is to tie their shoe laces together. (Make sure to train for this one. Learn your knots good.) When they try to undo them it will take so long that they will be late for their dad’s funeral that they are going to. This prank will give them plenty of smiles and laughs on such a sad day.

The next step of the goofs you will succeed in pulling, is to leave a silly note on your friend’s car (Make sure that the note doesn’t get taken by a thief). Then when they return to their car to drive to Chili’s Bar and Grill Restaurant for a nightly dish, they will think “Wow what a prankster! I sure love my friend.” You can bond with that someone over all of the funny jokes you will write. (Expert tip: This one is especially helpful for a young friendship.)

The Day of Fools is also a time to remember the past fools who have made so many sacrifices for us to be able to eat Pringles and stare at TV screens until our weird faces make laughs about the goofin’ and spoofin’ we see. Who can forget the old jokester Raymond’s Brother from the “Everyone Loves the Raymond” show? That guy was a true prankster. He would always say something like, “Hey Raymond, let’s be friends because we’re brothers.” Haha. Remember? What a goof. I love that guy. April Fools Raybrother! You will be missed. Too bad that show got cancelled. (Expert tip: To save this show go to Save “Everybody Loves Raymond” on your internet at home and sign the petition. It will only take a moment and will mean a lot to the guy.)

Another classic spoof to pull is to buy a pair of ugly underwear and be sure to give it to your friend in public. They will be so embarrassed that their face will turn red and you will think they are dying and try to save them by giving them CPR, which will only further the goof when others think you are giving them a hot kiss on the lips. They will be mad but everyone else will be laughing which means what you did was fine. Tell your friend they are a dumb idiot later when they try to tell you you were wrong. (Expert tip: Do this to a friend you don’t mind losing.)

My other favorite jokes are secrets because they are such darn good spoofs that if I write them down you would not be able to read them before your butt fell out of your chair because of the laughs that will be so large they will make that happen.

Another thing to remember is that people will be trying to prank you too, buddy. That means you must prepare for the day of pranks. If avoiding the pranks is the name of your game try to look in all directions at all times today. Open your dumb eyes and you can see a prank coming from a few feet away! Unless someone is pulling an emotional prank. Those ones are invisible and the most painful.

Finally make sure you spend April Fools with someone you care about and prank em’ to bits. Happy Prankin’! I wish you a merry prankin’ and a happy new year! Bye friends, thanks for listening.