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Hire this Mills student

From the funnydrole Tumblr.
From the funnydrole Tumblr.

S.A. Dew

5000 MacArthur Blvd.

Oakland, CA 94613


Bachelor of Arts in Underwater Basket Weaving magna cum laude, expected May 2014

Mills College, Oakland, CA

Minor: Anthropology


Work Experience

Proficiency in Gossip Girl, seasons 1-3

  • Monitored Jenny’s social ascension and subsequent downward spiral, all the while admiring her impeccable taste in clothing
  • Assessed hotness levels of all the main characters. Came to the conclusion that Chuck Bass is the most physically attractive, although arguably most morally repulsive.
  • Performed numerous tests on who was Gossip Girl. The different tests observed the behaviors of Serena van der Woodsen, Dan Humphrey, and Blair Waldorf and their relation to information divulged online

Stealing from Founder’s Commons

  • Prepared PB&Js and stealthily hid them in backpack when employees had their back turned
  • Gained experience in taking multiple pieces of fruit off of the dining hall premises
  • Frequently stolen items included: bowls, mugs, and various utensils

Eating hot Cheetohs

  • Computed a dollar from pocket change consisting of pennies, nickels, dimes, and used gum wrapper
  • Overhauled vending machine’s unwillingness to hand over desired goods by using end of broom to reach stuck food items
  • Mastered ability to eat Hot Cheetohs by damaging taste buds so that spicy receptors no longer work

Climbing hills

  • Set goals to only drive to class three days a week and to bum a ride off of Public Safety the other two days
  • Motivated body to climb up and down multiple hills on a daily basis with rewards of bountiful waffles at brunch
  • Strengthened calves, thighs, and cardiovascular system while wearing vintage high heels and spending the rest of the day regretting said wardrobe choice


retweeting Mindy Kaling, sending mildly inappropriate Snapchats during class, choosing between the “X-Pro II” or “Earlybird” filter on Instagram; some experience with Vine