Who do these so-called “lifeguards” think they are to be giving you rules? At the POOL?
What are they so afraid of anyway? A swimmer getting a concussion or cracked skull as the result of slipping and smacking their cranium on the pool deck? Drowning?
Pfffftttt. Please.
You know how to take care of yourself, okay? Just because they think something horrible might happen if people don’t take precautions, you’re actually the special one. Nothing bad will ever, ever, ever happen to you because you’re way too smart for this place.
Everyone else is just dumb, especially the lifeguards. They’re really just a pair of overpaid, whistle-blowing red trunks who sit around at the pool facility to make it look like the management there is doing their job. Give me a break, am I right?
1.
Let’s talk about cleanliness. Ugh!
If you find a clump of hair floating in the pool, don’t bother throwing it away or putting it down on the deck so they can clean it up later. Instead, insist that the lifeguard take the ball of hair from you. Same goes for wet, soggy, used band-aids. Lifeguards are also janitors, obvi.
It’s also a total waste of time to get out of the pool just to blow your nose on a tissue. Just blow that schnoz right into the deep end. Seriously, it’s kind of cool how it floats underwater like a slimy amoeba having its first swimming lesson.
2.
When the pool is closing, no need to leave the hot tub right away.
Linger as long as possible until the lifeguard comes over to tell you that it is closing time. Declare that you have a pinched nerve and you REALLY need to wade in the warm water. You should even bring in a doctor’s note to strengthen your point, even though you can just fill up your own tub with hot water.
Explain how long your workday was and how difficult you have it — let your voice take on a nice high whine — so can they please just give you a few minutes to relax, you’re really not asking a lot, honestly, God. It’s not like they’d understand what it’s like to work hard.
3.
Ignore the sign that says “Don’t run on pool deck.”
The lifeguard clearly doesn’t understand how cold it is on the pool deck and that you absolutely need to get back into the water as soon as possible.
Don’t they want you to enjoy yourself? You can’t stay vigilant about your safety 24-7! These pool jockeys don’t seem to get that walking is super boring. Besides, if you ever slipped, it’s really their fault for not catching you in time.
4.
You can also ignore the sign telling you not to dive head-first into the shallow end.
It’s obviously for people who don’t have your diving expertise. You watched the Olympic diving team last season, so you totally know what you’re doing.
5.
Don’t put the kick-boards and fins away when you’re done using them.
It gives the lifeguard something to do. Having to fish out kick-boards from the gutter is their absolute favorite pastime, I promise. All they’re doing anyway is rubbing sunblock on their noses and flexing at passing babes from that high chair.
6.
Leave small children on the pool deck.
A lifeguard is basically a babysitter. The word “lifeguard” is short for “lifetime guardian,” you see.
Their primary concern is making sure you’re free to do your laps while they take care of our own kids for us. They don’t need to be watchful of other people at the pool or have to worry about ADULTS being in danger of drowning or anything.
7.
Start humping and making out with your significant other in the water.
I mean, c’mon. You’re both half-naked… in swimsuits with sexy goggles over your faces… paddling around in what is basically a warm blue broth of chlorine and pee. That’s HOT.
It’s not like young children can see that you’re both sloppily groping each other underwater. It’s been scientifically proven that the second best place to get it on (outside the bedroom) is getting pressed up against the pool step ladder while tongue-wrestling.
It’s like sex at the beach but without the sand getting in the way. In this case, the lifeguard is the combination of sand in your hair, jellyfish stings, and bad sunburns who’ll blow a literal whistle at you for making love. Lifeguards are incapable of LOVE, everybody!
8.
Flirt with the cute ones.
Sometimes there’s a hottie working at the pool. Never mind that they can’t get distracted and they have a job to do. You should be able to live out your Baywatch fantasies no matter what.
Continually block their view of the other swimmers (can’t get competition, you know what I mean?) so you can comment on their hot bod and talk about which fancy restaurant you want to bring them to. You should follow them everywhere, even into the employees-only break room, because you’re a customer and you have the right to do that.
It says so in the Constitution, sweetheart.
9.
Lifeguards definitely can’t tell if you’re peeing in the water.
This also includes farting, which can be stealthily hidden under the bubbles of the jacuzzi. You don’t even need to hide the fact that you’re making very obvious body movements indicating that you’re passing gas.
Your bathroom experience will improve dramatically if you look at the lifeguard’s face while letting it all out. Try it, look straight into their eyes as it happens. Make their day.
Photo image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.
