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A gentile’s guide to Passover

When it gets to be Passover holiday time, I always think about how hard it must be for non-Jews, feeling so left out on this super fun holiday. But I am here to help you unchosen people to understand some of the basics of this holiday you call Passover. We call it “Pasach” (pronounced “pay-sock”).

I’m no Adam Sandler, but I do know a thing or two about how to make a Jew holiday appealing to the masses. You sing a song about the day and make a lyric from that song the title of a no-holds-barred cartooned film. Oh, that’s what he did? He’s such a genius. And so funny. Did you see the movie Click? I cried when he got all fat.

Instead of getting fat, us Jews don’t eat any leavened bread (bread with yeast) items for a week. This is because in ancient times, when we were escaping Egypt, we didn’t have time to make bread because we had to run out da’ door. We were led by this guy named Robert Atkins who hated bread because it makes you chubs.

Another fun fact about Passover is that it comes on a full moon every year. You may have thought this happens because we’re Jacobs from Twilight but really it’s because we have a lunar calendar that no one knows about; we use the weird one instead. The moon’s pretty cool, but the non-Jews win again.

On Passover, there is a seder, which is a Jewish word for dinner feast. This feast is celebrated with family, friends and this prophet guy Elijah. Elijah is always invited to everyone’s seder and he visits everyone’s house. For your brain to understand,  he’s kind of like Santa except this guy can talk to God and he’s not super fat. To prepare, you have to set him a place for dinner, and fill his plate with food and his glass with wine. You even have to open the door for him and let him “walk” in (Point of interest: prophets can’t walk unless they’re on water). This dude always comes around, and wastes all his food and wine and stuff. That’s probably why he’s not fat.

Well, if you like holidays, and people who aren’t fat, you’ll love Passover. Adam Sandler loves Passover. Jerry Seinfeld (my favorite prophet) loves Passover.  “I love Passover,” says Ben Stiller. Mel Gibson does not like Passover.