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99 problems and a baby ain’t one: An abridged version of my long romance with celebrity couple Jay-Z and Beyoncé

As I watched Beyoncé rip off her coat and rub her baby bump at the VMAs on Aug. 28, I started planning a baby shower at my apartment.

Okay — so maybe the party would consist of me sipping on a bottle of André and sitting alone on the couch in my underwear. Still, it was a thrilling moment, especially when the camera panned to Jay-Z positively beaming — for once in his cool and collected life — while Kanye West repeatedly slapped him on the back.

I am by no means a celebrity follower. I avoid tabloids like the plague and have no idea what High School Musical is. But Jay-Z and Beyoncé have a special place in my heart.

As a “love child” born to unmarried parents who separated when I was two, I’ve always been skeptical of lasting relationships. How can two people stand to lay on top of the same aging mattress night after night, let alone discuss their days together without grinding their teeth in boredom? Call me jaded, but I think it’s hard to duke it out with someone forever, especially with the fact that 49 percent of U.S. marriages end in divorce according to

So where do Hova and B come into play? Despite a few courtside snapshots and some canoodling on yachts, they’ve managed to keep their 10-year relationship out of the limelight. I don’t believe in happy endings by any means and hope to get married in about, oh, 120 years but man, do those two seem to work.

Maybe I’m ruthlessly romanticizing the situation, but I believe Jay-Z and Beyoncé have what John and Yoko had: a relationship based on synergy where art enhances love. It sure as hell didn’t work for poets Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes, but sometimes a couple can share a deep bond over a common passion. I mean, we all saw ‘03 Bonnie and Clyde’ — collaboration between a couple at its finest.

Sure, I’m the first to admit that the world is way too obsessed with stalking famous people — but perhaps certain celebrities can use their power to lead by example, which Beyoncé and Jay-Z seem to do. Love each other, but please don’t be all up in everyone’s grill about it.

Some may argue that Beyoncé’s slightly showy pregnancy announcement on public television goes against this tactic, but she had to let people know at some point. For whatever reason, the U.S. cares about this Knicks-loving, pool-hopping couple, however flashy or not flashy they may seem. A pregnancy announcement was in order.

And while my adoration for these two may seem sad — Beyoncé rubbing her pregnant belly is my cellphone background — I look at them as a couple people should aspire to be. Sure, they’re not perfect, and I’d probably get tired of Jay-Z staring at my ass too, but for the time being, let’s congratulate these two for making it this far.

Now — if only they would let me be their nanny.